Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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