Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
