The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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