The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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