I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
