i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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