Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
