getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
