Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize