Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
