I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
