the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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