dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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