Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I am one with the molecules
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
