Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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