I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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