take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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