u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
