So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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