I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
