Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
