what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
