alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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