Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
