Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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