Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
