Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
