remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
