Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
