I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
