I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
