how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
