a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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