It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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