listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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