I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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