Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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