In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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