i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
