When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
