after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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