I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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