Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my poor anus
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
