FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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