it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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