I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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