How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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