ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
