I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am one with the molecules
How does it feel to date your dad?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
