Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
